Welcome. This is a newspaper.
We just wanted to make that clear. Some of you may have turned to this folded handful of paper to get your news as a last resort. You see, there are computers across Canada that won’t be able to access the Internet today. You can read all about it online, which is little consolation if you can’t access the Internet. We won’t bore you with all the details, but you can blame some Estonian criminals who did something shady, and now about 7,000 computers in Canada – almost 300,000 worldwide – won’t be able to access a server today.
What’s a server? Ask a computer. We’re a newspaper.
So just in case you’re barred from your online life today, we wanted to provide you with a few tips to help you get through the day.
Tip 1: The Internet did not always exist. It was invented some time after the light bulb. At least 50 people lived before the Internet came into being, and they managed to stick around long enough to procreate.
Tip 2: The bipeds you’re noticing around you are called humans. They are real flesh and blood. If you choose to interact with them, you may find the experience more complex than the online interactions you’re used to. They may have odours. They may expect something of you that can’t be avoided with an off switch.
Tip 3: Your fingers may twitch compulsively. This is withdrawal from using a mouse and keyboard. Take up knitting to ease the symptoms.
Tip 4: If you need to find out the population of Togo, you’ll need to drive to a library and find an encyclopedia. It’s a numbered series of tomes with short essays on topics covering all kinds of subjects, from the cultural practices of South Pacific islanders, to the…you know, on second thought, just ask a friend who still has the Internet to look up the population of Togo.
Spending a whole day away from social media may require weeks of reassurances from your 3,263 Facebook friends that you’re still Liked. But somehow you’ll survive.