That's Life with Terri McCormick
There was a day when I didn't need glasses; when I could read a soup can label, enjoy a book or even see the numbers on the remote control without having to dig through my purse to find my glasses.
The "eye doctor" told me that once you hit 40 it's as if you've "climbed the wall." I assume that means after you've climbed it, you've rolled down a hill on the other side where a dog is waiting to lift his leg and pee on your wrinkled body.
I spend the better part of most days looking for my glasses. I have two pairs, which means I am doubly able to misplace them. Oftentimes I find them under a pile of papers on the kitchen island. Once, I found them in the bed under balled-up blankets because I had fallen asleep with them on and they must have slid off my face and what happened next is anyone's guess.
The other day I found a pair hanging from the cord of the shop vac. How that happened I have no idea. But this weekend took the cake. I misplaced one pair Friday night and then lost the second pair on Saturday.
Sunday saw me retracing my steps, even going back to a hotel I was at and having the poor desk clerk let me into the banquet room and another room to see if the glasses had been left behind.
I harassed friends, family members and co-workers, asking if they'd seen my specs. I even started to wonder if my mind was starting to fail me and one day my glasses would turn up in the freezer right next to the perogies. Squinting for all I was worth, I prayed to Saint Anthony, patron saint of lost things. He had always come through before.
This time not so much, so when I couldn't take it anymore, I made a desperate move and started using a decorative magnifying glass we had lying around at home; a magnifying glass about which I had once asked, "why do we need this?"
Well, I guess I got my answer. In the meantime, my family decided this was just as good a time as any to ridicule me. "Oh my God," my daughter said in disgust as she watched me maneuver my magnifying glass over some words on a piece of paper.
"You need one of those chains to wear around your neck so you won't lose your glasses," my husband laughed. I wanted to beat him with said magnifying glass, but in actuality a chain probably isn't a bad idea. In the meantime, I would be known as Sherlock. Insults aside, the two pairs of glasses were still missing and I was starting to panic. Both were prescription and the thought of having to replace them made my stomach turn. I was just about to head out to the drug store to purchase an off-the-rack pair that I'm sure would have me bearing a strong resemblance to Bubbles off “Trailer Park Boys” when lo and behold, while taking some laundry into my son's room, I spotted them: a pair of my glasses sitting nicely on a shelf right next to a stack of video games. I assume I had set them there while doing something motherly, like stopping to remove pop cans or a Skittles bag off the floor.
And while finding my glasses is great, I won't rest until I know what happened to the other pair, which still remains among the missing. In the meantime, I will keep a close watch on the ones on my face and keep my magnifying glass handy, just in case.
Terri McCormick’s column appears bi-weekly in the Amherst News.