Survive and thrive

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Owning one of these probably means you’re a stark, raving madman. But still…how many of us would really say no to an underground bunker if money were no object:

Picture the cool parties you could host. When the relatives visited, you could relegate them to the shelter. You could film a new low-budget post-apocalyptic zombie movie every weekend. And should the 1 in a 1,000 chance of total disaster strike, you’d be laughing…although one of the commenters made a good point: you’d wind up defending your bunker against every road warrior who wanted to take it from you.

This might help:

Park one of these bad boys in the front hall and go all Tony Montana on any intruders.

Little known fact: The New York Times used Gatling guns to protect its offices from an angry mob back in the 19th century:

We have one of these to protect the Daily News:

Of course, if you’re to have any hope of surviving a hostile future, you’d better hone your doctoring skills. Cracked has some motivational examples: (Do I really need to include a disclaimer encouraging you to see a qualified medical professional instead of splitting your own skull with a hammer to alleviate a headache…?).

You’ll need the right wheels for those trips into town for supplies. Now that Hummers are no longer made for the commercial market – you know, the original ones – this would have to be my first choice:

If you’re going to not just survive but thrive when civilization collapses, you’re going to need a good canine companion. And what better way to protect your best friend than this:

A dog might not cut it, though, which is why you should seriously consider training a tiger to protect you and your kids: (Just ignore that part where it says they don’t make good pets and keeping them in an apartment is insane. A bomb shelter isn’t an apartment, it’s a bomb shelter.)

Clearly, I have supplied you with all the tools you need to start your odyssey towards complete independence – no, dominance – in a world run amok. The rest is up to you. Utrinque paratus.


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