Survive and thrive

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Owning one of these probably means you’re a stark, raving madman. But still…how many of us would really say no to an underground bunker if money were no object: http://www.clickorlando.com/news/Disaster-shelter-offers-full-kitchen-flat-screen-TV/-/1637132/17015840/-/g0ftq1z/-/index.html

Picture the cool parties you could host. When the relatives visited, you could relegate them to the shelter. You could film a new low-budget post-apocalyptic zombie movie every weekend. And should the 1 in a 1,000 chance of total disaster strike, you’d be laughing…although one of the commenters made a good point: you’d wind up defending your bunker against every road warrior who wanted to take it from you.

This might help: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gatling_gun

Park one of these bad boys in the front hall and go all Tony Montana on any intruders.

Little known fact: The New York Times used Gatling guns to protect its offices from an angry mob back in the 19th century: http://www.nytimes.com/learning/general/onthisday/harp/0801.html

We have one of these to protect the Daily News: http://artsyswag.com/img/misc/nerf-weapons/03.jpg

Of course, if you’re to have any hope of surviving a hostile future, you’d better hone your doctoring skills. Cracked has some motivational examples: http://www.cracked.com/article_19218_6-insane-diy-surgeries-you-wont-believe-actually-worked.html (Do I really need to include a disclaimer encouraging you to see a qualified medical professional instead of splitting your own skull with a hammer to alleviate a headache…?).

You’ll need the right wheels for those trips into town for supplies. Now that Hummers are no longer made for the commercial market – you know, the original ones – this would have to be my first choice: http://autos.yahoo.com/blogs/motoramic/arnold-schwarzenegger-gets-keys-250-000-mercedes-unimog-181556572.html

If you’re going to not just survive but thrive when civilization collapses, you’re going to need a good canine companion. And what better way to protect your best friend than this: http://www.k9storm.com/cataloguenew03.html

A dog might not cut it, though, which is why you should seriously consider training a tiger to protect you and your kids: http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/explainer/2003/10/how_do_you_train_a_tiger.html (Just ignore that part where it says they don’t make good pets and keeping them in an apartment is insane. A bomb shelter isn’t an apartment, it’s a bomb shelter.)

Clearly, I have supplied you with all the tools you need to start your odyssey towards complete independence – no, dominance – in a world run amok. The rest is up to you. Utrinque paratus.

 

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