OK, so Chicken Little is finally sorted out. Technical difficulties setting up a user-friend blog for a staffer. But I'm back and you should expect regular posts from now on. We had to scrap the previous posts, though, so I've republished them below. New content before day's end - promise!
In the olden days, long before my first knee replacement surgery, there was an evil empire called the Soviet Union. They built the Berlin Wall, sent people to gulags in Siberia, and tried to park missiles in Cuba. In those days, you actually thought the world might end in nuclear Armageddon.
Many of you have been denied the experience of living with a nuclear cloud hanging over your heads – but no more! Russia is back!
Moscow’s head military guy, Nikolai Makarov, says his country will launch preemptive strikes on missile defense bases if the United States tries to deploy them in Eastern Europe (http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2012/may/3/russia-threatens-strike-nato-missile-defense-sites/) . The Americans claim the sites, which would be in Turkey, Poland and Romania, would be directed at defending against missile strikes from Iran.
Both are lying. The missile defenses would be deployed against any missile that threatened the West’s interests and stationing them in Poland and Romania is clearly putting the squeeze on Russia’s sphere of influence. But Russia won’t attack the missile sites, either, because the MAD doctrine – Mutually Assured Destruction – is over between Russia and the U.S. Vladimir Putin may dream of the glory days, but history and China have passed Russia by. Still, it’s a fun bit of nostalgia reading Makarov’s bluster.
Munch’s painting The Scream sold for $120 million at Sotheby’s Wednesday (http://www.montrealgazette.com/entertainment/Munch+Scream+sells+record+million/6558959/story.html) . It’s a very good painting, but it’s not 120 times better than The Grimace, a painting I made that I’m selling for just $1 million.
Turned out Osama Bin Laden wasn’t such a bad guy after all. In an al Qaeda meeting, right after an update on the terrorist organization’s plan to get Westerners to eat terrible foods, get diabetes and be crippled by high sugar- and fat-intake diets (“Working very well so far!” said the presenter) – a keener with a creative bent suggested putting rotating blades on the front of a pickup truck and driving it into crowds (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2012/05/01/MNQV1OBCVF.DTL) . Bin Laden turned him down. The inventor still hopes to make a sale to Moncton for snow removal.
Of all the ways to go: vaporized, incinerated or drowned when an asteroid hits our planet (http://www.salon.com/2012/05/04/preparing_for_the_big_one/).
Our day will come, experts agree. A big interstellar rock was likely the downfall of the dinosaurs, and a similarly-sized meteor touching down on Earth today would wipe us out (although one of these might keep you around long enough to witness the aftermath: http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/engineering/architecture/4325649).
Listen, we could go millions of years before facing this kind of menace. Our species hasn’t even existed that long. But if it motivates people to take the advice of Stephen Hawking (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2083084/Stephen-Hawking-We-colonise-Mars-universe.html) and spread our precious eggs to more baskets, I’m all for it.
Skin cancer is a far more likely way to go, especially if you’re this person: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-57427817-504083/tanning-mom-patricia-krentcil-blasts-her-critics-theyre-jealous-theyre-fat-and-theyre-ugly/. I know, everybody’s giving Patty a hard time this week, and while she may be a horrible mother, there’s at least a remote chance she isn’t, and surely she doesn’t deserve to be humiliated around the world?
Except she does. Have you seen that tan? Criminal.
Came across this lovely set of holiday photos (warning: blood). The husband snapped away while his wife was mauled by cheetahs (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2139442/Violet-DMello-mauled-tame-cheetahs-holiday-safari-park.html). Before you get too upset about photos of a cheetah eating a woman appearing in this blog, she’s fine (more or less) and the pics were taken by her husband, so presumably one or both of them were willing to see them published.
Let this be a lesson: Don’t give money to wildlife parks that treat animals like cuddly pets or performers in human sideshows. But if you must, wear a suit like this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Grizzly.